How To Ask For (and Receive) the Help You Need
/
Photo by youssef naddam on Unsplash
An article on how to ask for help seems silly at first. But we think it’s something that needs to be addressed specifically in mental health month here at WIAG. As men, we rarely ask for help, especially when it comes to our emotional stability and mental equilibrium. Asking for directions is out of the question and we’ll never ask someone else to open a jar of pickles for us, we’d rather stay lost or go without the pickles on our sandwich that day. This stubbornness is a way to protect our ego, but what about when our ego is the very thing that we need help with? Getting emotional support or asking to talk through things that really matter to us is not something many of us are comfortable doing. However, this is hugely important in keeping mental and emotional stability. That’s why therapists are a big deal. They are trained to lead us through these tumultuous times and come out the other side more ourselves. This is absolutely the best action to take. If you can, do it. The issue is, not everyone has access to a therapist or at least one that they trust. Therapists are expensive, rarely covered by insurance, can be inaccessible based on where you live, or maybe you simply don’t feel comfortable talking to one. So what is the modern man to do? You have feelings, even though you aren’t supposed to, and you feel like you can’t handle your issue(s) yourself, even though societal expectations say you should. Our answer is to throw those old stereotypes out the window and ask for help from someone you trust. But who is the right person and how do you even approach the conversation? Well, after a lot of trial and error I found what works for me, and figured I’d share what I’ve learned from my past experiences in hopes that it will help others. (please note that I am not a therapist or a mental health professional, I’m simply offering guidance around how I’ve asked for help in the past)
Pick the right confidant
If you have a good friend group, I suggest turning to a friend, but not just any friend, it has to be a specific one. You don’t need a yes man (or woman) in times like these and you shouldn’t approach the person who you know would never talk to you about any of their issues, neither of these people will give you the guidance or space you need. You have to find that one person, male or female, who you think is level-headed, knows you well, and has seen you when you’re healthy. They know what you’re like when you are truly yourself and can offer their perspective on what makes you, you and remind you of that. If you don’t have a person like this in your life, turning to a family member you’ve grown up with is a good alternative. If neither of those are options, chances are there is a local support group available to lean on in your community (be wary of these as some tend to be predatorial- find one that is backed by a reputable organization). However, if none of those are realistic and you are truly in need of help, contact us! We are here to provide help to guys in many facets, and while we are in no way professionals, writing out all of your issues and questions to an outside third party can be cathartic in its own way. Furthermore, if you are in Philly, we have coffee hours available to everyone to come talk about whatever they want- this kind of stuff included!
Open the door for help
Now that you know who you are going to ask, you need to see if this person would be open to helping you. This is important, not only because it’s courteous, but it’s extremely helpful to warn them in advance and make sure it’s something they would feel comfortable doing. This step can be scary all on it’s own. After all, it’s your first outward step. I suggest sending a text along the lines of “Hey man (or lady) I have been going through some things lately and I need a trusted soundboard to figure it all out. If you wouldn’t mind talking through it with me I would really appreciate it. No pressure, if you feel you don’t have space for it right now that’s totally okay.” It lets them know you need help (without actually saying those words) and gives them an out if they really don’t feel comfortable. Regardless if you use this method, the point is: do not spring your issues on someone out of nowhere. If you are going to get deep, warn the person so they can emotionally prepare themselves. This will allow them to be more open, listen more effectively, and be less dismissive.
Pick the right venue
This can be over the phone, in a bar, at a coffee shop, on your couch, at the kitchen table, or even on a walk. Based on how serious the conversation is and how comfortable you are talking about it in public, pick the place you feel the two of you will be most able to talk honestly, stay engaged, and feel comfortable. I highly recommend a walk. Physically moving helps get the stress out, and leaves space for both of you not to feel trapped. Plus if you go on a walk you can pop into a bar to buy your friend a beer as a “thank you” once you’re finished talking. A phone call, while the least ideal, can be the best option if you are overly apprehensive. It allows you both to be in your own space, and feels less vulnerable due to you not having to stare them in the face.
Get help the right way
Usually, it takes a lot for us guys to ask someone for help, especially with emotional quandaries, so there’s likely a lot of things affecting you by the time you even consider looking outward to get a third-party perspective. But let’s say you’ve found that person to talk to, and asked them if you could get their help, and now you’re about to go through whatever issue(s) is bothering you. The way you do this is important for a couple of reasons: 1. You don’t want to overwhelm the person who has offered to help you. 2. You need to be able to listen to what the other person has to say so you can actually receive the help you’re looking for. The best way to ask for help is to do it calmly and pointedly. We all want to burst out with every thought present in our head, the vent feels good, but this scattershot of internal thought and emotion is impossible to address all at once and wildly overwhelming to the one trying to help you. Instead, make a list, either in your head or write it down, and go through each part of the issue(s) you’re facing, why it’s bothering you, and what you think you should do. Go through this list one by one, and listen to the perspective and response to these issues. Widdle your way down to closure, or at least to a general state closer to equilibrium.
Say Thank You and Pass it On
After you’ve gone through it all and you feel you’ve gotten what you need, or you both simply don’t have the emotional energy left, close of the conversation with an authentic thank you, offer them the same opportunity should they ever need it, and hug it out. Don’t take their time for granted. They spent their time helping you, and time is the only thing we can never get back. Furthermore, make yourself available to your friends. Offer to open that space and help them through their issues. After going through things in a healthy way yourself, promoting and offering that space is a great gift to the people you’ve chosen to keep in your life. After all, what are friends for?
One last note:
If you are struggling with issues to the point where you feel completely overwhelmed. Know you are not alone. No one is ever truly alone. There are a lot of free resources out there to provide help, including the Suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. They have an amazing group of people who are equipped to guide you through the toughest of times.
