A Man's Guide: 2018 Awful Christmas Movies and Drinking Game

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The Christmas Chronicles from Netflix

The Christmas Chronicles from Netflix

Guys, tis the season of terrible holiday movies. If you’ve noticed, really bad Christmas themed movies are now becoming mainstream somehow. The Hallmark channel has, by some force of magic I’m sure, created a demand for terribly-acted, awfully written, formulaic holiday garbage movies that ION tv, Netflix and a slew of other studios have jumped on. All of which are feeding your significant other’s appetite for low-brow feel-good screen time. I myself have begrudgingly been subject to many these. To help my fellow gents, I have decided to help spare you from the torment and the epic waste of time each pose.

I have willingly taken a candy cane through each eye and watched many of these movies, in order to come up with a list of which movies to watch and ones to absolutely pass on. I highly recommend you use this list to nudge your viewing partner to watch the movies that are at least entertaining, so you don’t end a 2-hour living room session in a fit of rage for having lost valuable time paying attention to pine-scented cinema trash instead of watching football or doing something constructive. Oh and for those who like these types of movies, we have a watch-a-long drinking game you can play to make it interesting. So grab a six pack and try to enjoy some of these… if you can.


The Princess Switch

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • Vanessa Hudgens’ terrible accent switching

  • The silly reason the two “look-a-likes” decide to switch

  • How cute Vanessa Hudgens is in general

  • The odd fact that the lead’s baking partner is secretly a shredded model

  • The absurd ending

Switched for Christmas

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Watch it on: Hallmark Channel

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • The amazing acting

  • The intelligent writing

  • How the boss at the firm looks like a witch

  • Mostly the acting and the writing

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • Any scene with a bow and arrow

  • Its uncanny similarity to Princess Bride

  • The use of terrible special effects

Merry Kissmas

Watch it on: ION and Netflix

If you have to watch, Pay attention to:

  • The killer soundtrack (you’ll understand when you hear it) specifically Elevate Your Love

  • The random carolers

  • How helpful the Santa is

  • How the title could have been a million other more appropriate things

The Christmas Chronicles

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • Kurt Russell

  • The special effects that actually aren’t bad

  • How everyone should be dead in the first 25 minutes

  • The absurd musical number

  • The pop culture references

The Christmas Inheritance

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • How the snow is really just sudsy dishwashing detergent

  • How the lead character doesn’t know how to unplug a vacuum cleaner

  • The sap writing

  • The fact that they make learning how to bake Christmas cookies a huge feat of human performance

  • How everyone in town is persuaded to massive amounts of charity over a small amount of baked goods

Christmas With a View

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • The entire game show portion in the beginning

  • How the snow actually looks real

  • The f*cking Janices

  • How attractive the lead is

Christmas in the Smokies

Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • The heavy scripture and religion focus

  • The awful fake show in the beginning

  • How the best friend is definitely more attractive than the lead

  • The cleanliness of the leads truck regardless of how often she drives it around her farm every day

  • How quickly everything is resolved...literally warp speed

The Holiday Calendar

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Watch it on: Netflix

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • How bright a non-electronic advent calendar can get

  • The lead’s insanely large apartment for her job

  • How the one love interest looks like a dulled down version of Jean-Ralphio

  • The line “You smell like Cheetos and Sadness.”

Snow Bride

Watch it on: Hallmark Channel

If you have to watch, pay attention to:

  • The lead’s fake last name

  • The mom from home improvement

  • The extremely forced family drama

  • The abrupt ending of all of her phone calls

  • The low budget ballroom

  • The dogs expressions in every cut away

  • How a 10 second phone call fixes everything

The Holiday Movie Drinking Game

To make all of these more bearable here’s a little drinking game for you. If using as a pregame, we suggest playing with two movies in a row.

We do not take responsibility for any crying, love making, or trouble you get into with your significant other as a result of playing this game.

Take a drink every time the following happens:

  • You see carolers

  • A cliche is uttered

  • The lead runs into or references their Ex

  • Someone with a random accent shows up

  • Special effects are used

  • A Santa or “older wise character” enters a scene

  • A kid says something everyone’s thinking or says something no kid would ever say

  • A mistletoe comes out of nowhere

  • You hear chimes

Chug during:

  • The length of each kiss

  • A snowball fight

Drink for 5 seconds when:

  • The name of some made up country is mentioned

  • Anyone is baking something

  • When you learn the main character or love interest has lost a family member or a former flame

  • The phone lines are down

Finish your drink if:

  • The love interest isn’t white (I wish you needed more beers due to this rule)