Acceptable forms of masculinity in today’s society are becoming harder and harder to define. Men need to be strong yet vulnerable, assertive but not forceful, Stoic while also being able to share their emotions. Being a “good man” today is like walking a tightrope where the winds keep changing direction. It can be exhausting, filled with pressure from all angles, and frankly confusing. 

Guys, we are starting to suffer from an identity crisis. On the traditional side, aka the warrior ideal, men are taught to be strong, tough, protecting, stoic, competitive, arrogant, demanding, and generally unexpressive when it comes to emotions. Conversely, modern society is now identifying those traditional pillars of masculinity as toxic because we generally aren’t in need of the warrior mentality in our day-to-day lives anymore. So where do we sit? It’s a hard question to answer. We’re told that we need to be strong and purposeful but not in the ways that we were taught and conditioned as kids. 

The original purpose of those traditional traits was to condition us to engage our fight trigger within the “flight or fight response” in order to protect and provide for our family and community when needed. Nowadays, we don’t do a whole lot of real fighting, and with more women in the workforce than ever, making substantial amounts of money, men are no longer being called to provide financially (the modern economy’s equivalent to strength) as much as we used to. So it seems we are left in a bit of a purpose vacuum. What purpose do we serve? What good are we to society? We aren’t needed to fight or solely provide, we can’t carry a baby to propagate the species, even if we are needed for a small part in the beginning, we aren’t typically protecting our families from an ever-present danger, we aren’t really needed to lift heavy things or reach for items on the top shelf because technologies have been invented to do that for us, and lets be honest, women can give each other better orgasms than we ever could. This question of “what is a man’s purpose?” has truly permeated all facets of life. So what is our purpose right now? What is it that we can do as average joes to derive meaning and drive growth? My answer: Endlessly strive to improve. Not just ourselves but the community around us.

I am of the belief that my main reason to exist, my purpose, is to make the lives of others better and continuously improve myself so I can do it more effectively. Having a widely defined and altruistically-seeded life goal leaves room for me to be strong, be vulnerable, be competitive, and compassionate as long as it serves the end goal of helping or bringing joy to those around me. This, in turn, leads me to feel like a good person who is also fulfilled. Manliness has nothing to do with it. In my opinion, we are getting too caught up in what it means to be a man when we really should be talking about what it takes to be a good human. The modern world is starting to see that the gender roles and norms of the past are no longer needed, and we now are living in a social ecosystem that simply requires good people, not people who are good at playing to their specific gender. This doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, you can be you, like what you like, dress how you dress, talk how you talk, and be attracted to who you are attracted to, as long as it fits into that end goal of being a good and productive member of society. 

For instance, in my relationships, my central goal is to make the other person’s life better, and if I succeed in that endeavor, I feel like I’m fulfilling my goal, and thus feel fulfilled. Does that make me a good man? You could say that, but in reality, it just makes me feel like a good person. Furthermore, as a wardrobe consultant, I take pride in improving the confidence and the lives of my clients. When they feel better about themselves, I feel better about myself.

Now you may be thinking “having a goal like that seems like a great way to overextend for the benefit of others and not take care of yourself.” Well, you’re right, it can be. There is a state of balance between self-care and care for others that needs to be practiced. And it can get overwhelming, that’s why having a space to be vulnerable and having a support group to give you the help you need in times of uncertainty and doubt is crucial. This is where a great group of other men who have a similar goal, is extremely beneficial. You give each other purpose: to support one another. And if you don’t have that, that’s what communities like this one at WIAG are for. For instance, I run a weekly coffee hours session where I go to a local coffee shop in Philadelphia every week for a few hours where people can come and talk about whatever they want: fashion, feelings, personal decision points, venting, existential quandaries, etc. Beyond that, I try to function as someone my friends can talk to without judgment, and in return, I know I can talk to them when I’m having an issue.

So if you are feeling this manly identity crisis, I can’t tell you what’s going to work for you. All I know is that when I focus on making those around me better, I find myself being more included in my community and feeling more purposeful. 

P.S.

I highly recommend that you let the other guys in your life, whether you see them in person, play videogames with them, or interact often on a message board, know that you are there for them and likely, in turn, they will be there for you. We all need a little help sometimes, and since this is our Men Mental Health month, why not start reaching out right now?

If you’d like to come to our weekly coffee hours session, make sure you follow us on Instagram where we will post our location and times a few days prior!